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Heyoka Enters World... Casualties Heavy

Dootzkie Monday, March 21, 2011
As promised, the funny text is here. A bit late, but still it arrived.

A few years back I was lucky enough to meet a med student from Boston area online. He was an absolute riot.
After a while we started sharing some projects and one of the stuff he sent me was this text. I am not sure if this is his original IP, but I shall still present this as his own work

Heyoka Enters World... Casualties Heavy


My Fiancee took me outside today, I simply don't know how you cope
with this foreign place. This scary and nightmarish carnival ride. I
suppose my enforced exodus was inevitable, She had been growing
increasingly concerned about my pleasingly pale pallor but I suppose
the proverbial straw that broke the camels back was my planned war
against the surface dwellers. I think she's over reacting, one comment
about "My Precious" and it's suddenly time for fresh air.

I know that many of you are so accustomed to this hell world that you
think noting of opening your doors, It's as if you had been raised in
a Colorado super max… you think that everybody is afraid to pick up
the soap and every home has acoustics perfect for echoing the screams
of snitches off the walls.

I base my loathing of this "Outside" on three basic factors.

1. Sun
2. People
3. Drivers

First lets talk of this Sun you have, this wicked daystar that gazes
down from the heavens like the awakened eye of a wrathful god. How can
people find it so cheerful and inspiring? After all exposure to it
brings about epidermal burning, followed by cancer, and ending with
dehydration and death.

I mean really, the only was that this stellar object could proclaim
it's malevolent nature more forcefully is if it wrapped itself in
barbed wire and spat burning caltrops upon the inhabitants below. Even
then people would no doubt find someway to turn it into an object of
veneration, though perhaps with a greater emphasis on human sacrifice
and less on spring break.

"Hey Steven"
"Ya Gorge?"
"You Know that burning orb in the sky?"
"You mean the one that you cannot look at lest you go blind, nor stand
under lest you burn?"
"Ya that one"
"What about it?"
"I think we should worship it"
"Ok"

I blame the liberal television networks. Children are exposed to
mind-rotting children's programming that imposes a smiley face on this
blazing ball of extraterrestrial evil and convinces us early on that
this is simply a natural universal object rather then a blazing hammer
posed to smite us from existence for the amusement of an elder god
residing in the lightness abyss of the cosmic void.

Of course no matter how hateful the light of day may be, it pales in
comparison to the damaging nature of my fellow man. I'd gladly go
skinny-dipping in a defunct Chernobyl reactor pool then spend a moment
longer then necessary in the teeming masses.

Trying to single down a paltry few factors to list as reasons behind
my hatred is making my ears bleed. I hate them for calling a small
coffee "Grande", for letting their offspring run wild in the shopping
centers, and for thinking that $5.99 is somehow significantly less
then $6.00.

But I suppose my hatred first expressed itself when I was sitting
quite peaceably minding my own business when I overheard the following
statement… "But if it's orange, how will we put the wheels on?"

At first it refused to register, it was a statement so illogical that
it simple refused to compute, it went in circles around my cortex
ratting about and upsetting the crockery, and by the time it had
trickled down to my conscious and I whirled about to ask for an
explanation, whoever had uttered this conversational time bomb had
moved on.

Now it torments me, draining my intellectual processing power like a
spiritual leech, my mind feverishly over clocking trying to find a
context where such a statement could possibly be used. Each failure
causing internal bleeding and a burning hatred of any species that
could utter such a sentence.

One day, years from now my loved ones will be standing around my
deathbed waiting for my last pearl of wisdom and I shall utter unto
them "But if it's orange, how will we put the wheels on?"… My head
will then explode spattering them with blood and less noble fluids… I
take a strange comfort in that.

The last leg of my trifecta of hatred is that in an urban environment
anywhere you want to be is not where you currently are. Thus the need
for a personal vehicle, which wouldn't be so bad if everyone else
didn't feel the need as well. The human race as a whole and the
American subset as a case example has the belief that everyone should
follow the traffic laws scrupulously… other then them.

There is a unique thrill to barrel down the highway with a
tractor-trailer so close to your rear that the respective atoms of
your bumpers begin to share electrons. Blinker use is of course
optional and a red glare in the traffic light is a signal to floor it
and hope for the best.

Many of you no doubt think that my hatred of drivers should be covered
under the section on "people" (and I use the term loosely.) But my
point is that when you wrap an idiot in metric ton of steel and hurdle
them down the highway at something akin to the speed of sound they
become something more then an idiot, they become a super idiot. an
uber fool…. In other words a driver.

They transform into a sum greater then their parts, with a bellow of
"By Our Powers Combined" they join their moron potential together and
form a blazing sword of idiocy with to punish their fellow road
inhabitant. I suppose we should be grateful that they don't briefly
become naked before donning a skintight outfit. One gaze at the obese
contents of a minivan sheathed in gleaming latex would be a fate worse
then enforced attendance at a Uwe Boll film.

And that is why I will not be rejoining the human race in this outer
area you all seem to frequent. I know that my love will be briefly
annoyed to find that some neighbor hood child (now $5 richer) has
super glued our locks, but I can only hope that the slashing of her
tires distracts her from this minor annoyance.

It's war surface dwellers… it's war….

5 comments:

mac-and-me said...

lol
great one :3

Lemmiwinks said...

great background on this, bro!

obi said...

wow that was a great read thanks for posting ;)

Matthew C said...

hoo, boy.

Ever the comedian.

Keep up the great work!

#19 said...

That was a REALLY long read, but totally worth it man, might have to steal that one to use for myself :))

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